I was recently watching Gavin Speiller’s Bad First Dates series. Not only is it deliciously funny, but it also reminded me of the string of bad boyfriends I have accumulated over the years. I remember a few years ago, I was discussing this with a friend and we were comparing notes. Who had the worst boyfriends? You tell me! Compare your stories to mine:
- The Scuba Diver: This one was absolutely gorgeous. He was a sweet guy too, and he never really cheated, he just mistook other women for me… many, many times. He had never worked in his life, except for the scuba diving classes. Because he was good looking, women just swooned all over him, and were willing to provide for him. It was amazing to observe. He liked women. A lot. Which made him, paradoxically, a great boyfriend because he was always attentive, a great listener, and just so nice all around. He ended up going to some island somewhere living on a boat with some rich lady.
- The “Musician:” He had been a one-hit-semi-wonder, and was always trying to capitalize on the same song… but because he wasn’t really a full blown one-hit wonder, it just never took. His mom was providing for him, because he didn’t work on anything else than his music. He was 40, just to put things into perspective. It was so amazing to see him be passionate about his music, until I found out that there was really nothing there… I mean, he was probably talented, but seriously, you’re 40, you live with your mom, and you have never had a job – think about it!
- The TV Anchor: He was a friend before we started dating. Working in TV production for many years, your circle of friends looks like a TV grid. The great lesson I learned from him is: today, you are a TV star, tomorrow, you’re nobody. It literally happens overnight. The problem with him was that he gave attitude to people and turned EVERYTHING down. “I’m a TV star, I can’t do this!” He also didn’t have an agent, because “I can do this much better than any agent.” Just imagine the kind of attitude he was giving ME when we started dating. And I found out he was a drunk too. He drank bottles and bottles of hard alcohol every day. Lesson learned – Do NOT date your friends! Last I heard, he was not on any shows, which is really sad because he was actually pretty good.
- The “I’m so Great:” He was a high power sales executive, and boy did he sell it! I mean, he was all about how great he was, how intelligent he was, how much money he made for himself and for his company… Why did I date him? Well, he was the first guy I met who had a real job, which was appealing if you read the above. I am sure he is happy somewhere, selling himself as the greatest thing that ever existed. Good luck with that!
- The ex-Actor Turned Sommelier: That one was one of those on-again, off-again that just wouldn’t really end, or begin, and of course it lasted 3 years, but it never happened at the same time. He was an actor/dancer in his youth, but he had “recycled” into the wine business. He was actually a pretty good sommelier, but he was really unreliable. He would get into a fight with everybody. He just couldn’t have a relationship without fighting. He always tried to pick up some sort of fight. That’s just tiring and destructive. Chapter closed (but only recently).
What are your bad boyfriend/girlfriend stories?
We spent Sunday afternoon on the rooftop of the G___Hotel. I live across the street from the G___Hotel and one of my favorite Saturday evenings pastimes is to watch what’s happening at the hotel from my terrace. I always think that I have seen it all… yet, every time, I find myself surprised that people manage to top themselves in trashiness. Every prostitute and Jersey Shore Guido that comes to town ends up at the G___Hotel. Nobody ever closes the shades. Everything happens in real time - the action on their side, the surprise on mine. These are some of the things I have seen over the past few years:
- The Threesome
Sweet little old man sitting on the balcony (the G___Hotel has balconies). After a while, a young lady comes in. Daughter? Niece living in NYC, happy that her uncle is visiting and taking her out to dinner? The bets are open… They go out (for a drink I assume, or for dinner) and come back with another young lady - a friend of the niece? Five minute later, they are all naked in front of the window and doing things to each other. Yep. Dirty little old man.
- The Frat party
A bunch of frat boys on the balcony. How do I know they’re frat boys? Caps, striped shirts, deformed shorts, baggy t-shirts… screams frat from 1/4 mile away. Harmless. Dancing. smoking. Making out. Wait, WHAT? Next you know, flat out orgy… Yep. Frat gay orgy.
- The Jersey Girls
What’s more banal than a bunch of girls getting ready to go out? Boobs hanging out. Fixing panties in front of the window. Making out (what’s up with THAT?). Ten in a single occupancy room. Alcohol (well, to be fair, I don’t know if it was alcohol or just bottles of stuff that made them happier and happier). Shrieking. Boys coming into the room. Group sex. And of course the walk of shame the day after with messy hair, rolled up skirts and high heeled purple boots trimmed with gold lamé… really, just a bunch of ordinary Jersey Girls.
So, on Sunday, when my friends dragged me to that dreaded rooftop, I decided to make the most out of it and try to spot some of these phenomenons. And boy was it great! We saw someone who was wearing so much make up, she could barely hold her face up, and a green (green is sooooo 3 years ago!) dress at LEAST 2 sizes too small; another one who was wearing a nude long-sleeve T-Shirt, fake Pucci short-shorts, a fleece vest (!!) and was a paid escort to a banker type geeky boy. Seriously, if G___Hotel wasn’t so outrageously expensive (I’ll probably have to sell my first born to pay for those drinks!), it would have become our Sunday afternoon spot! Nothing like observing slutiness in its natural habitat!